SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH ANXIETY
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health conditions that Americans experience. Over 40 million American adults, or about 19% of the population, have an anxiety disorder. Given this reality, you likely love or will love someone that experiences anxiety. We all want to be effective supports for our loved ones, but most of us are not taught how to be. Let’s change that.
The Don’ts
Though typically well-intentioned, the words and actions below are not helpful and can in some cases actually make a person’s anxiety worse.
Telling your loved one to “relax” or “calm down.” Put simply, if they could then they would. These words tend to read as dismissive and invalidating to people who experience anxiety.
Offering advice or solutions. Because anxiety is usually not caused by a lack of knowledge or awareness of steps that could be taken to navigate a problem, advice giving or solutions talk is not going to resolve it. Avoid offering your thoughts unless your loved one explicitly asks for them.
Enabling avoidance. When we are anxious about something, our natural urge is to avoid it. Loved ones often become complicit in these efforts to avoid. This could look like driving your loved one everywhere they need to go if they have anxiety about driving or going with them to social events if they have anxiety about going alone. It’s not problematic if you sometimes do things for or with your loved one to help them feel more comfortable. But if this becomes an entrenched pattern it can actually make the issue worse as the more we avoid something the higher our anxiety around it becomes.
Providing repeated reassurance. We all seek reassurance at times, and this tendency can be especially common in people who experience anxiety. Are you sure that thing I said at the party didn’t sound stupid? You really don’t think that this chest pain I’m having is anything serious? You promise you’re not mad at me? Your caring instinct is likely to ease your loved one’s discomfort by giving them the reassurance they are looking for. Though reassurance does generally reduce anxiety temporarily, in the long-term it creates an unhelpful cycle whereby a person with anxiety becomes dependent on others’ reassurance in order to feel okay.
The Dos
To meaningfully support a loved one experiencing anxiety, think about the following.
Communicate that they are not alone. Let your loved one know that you can tell that this anxiety feels very real and scary for them. Convey that, though you may not totally understand their anxiety, you are there for them and committed to helping them find ways to feel better.
Help make self-care possible. Offer practical support so that the person with anxiety has the time and space to engage with activities that help them feel calmer. For instance, maybe you walk the dog, drop off groceries, put the kids to bed, or do the dishes so your loved one can use that time to meditate, exercise, journal, or do whatever else feels nourishing to them.
Emphasize their resourcefulness. Rather than offer reassurance when a loved one verbalizes their anxieties to you, communicate to them your belief in their capability of doing hard things. Have a conversation with your loved one where you tell them what you have learned about how reassurance can make anxiety worse and collaborate to identify with them words you can offer that feel supportive and empowering without reassurance.
Encourage professional help. Anxiety is treatable and symptom improvement is possible. Let your loved one know that you believe they deserve to feel better and that seeking help is brave. You can provide practical support if your loved one wants you to, like help researching therapists who specialize in treating anxiety.
What Your Role Is
I want to name how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer, and how human it is to want to “fix it” for your person. It is not your job, however, nor is it even possible for you to fix someone else’s anxiety. If your loved one is struggling with anxiety, it is not a commentary on how good of a partner/parent/friend/sibling you are to them. You are doing enough simply by being present, kind, and empathetic.
Be mindful that having a loved one who has a mental health condition can take a toll on your mental health as well. Make sure to maintain your own self-care and allow yourself to access professional support too if you need an outlet for yourself.
Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.
