Everything is fine now. My life is good. I just want to enjoy it. Why can’t I just calm down? Nothing bad is happening.
I hear comments like these from many of my clients who come to therapy with childhood trauma histories. They feel confused and frustrated by the disconnect between their present, safe, stable life and the degree of anxiety, activation, or reactivity they continue to experience. They know intellectually that they are safe, and yet their bodies struggle to actually feel that safety.
What’s Going On Here?
Children who are repeatedly exposed to frightening and unpredictable events, like verbal or physical abuse, intense conflict in the home, or parental substance abuse, can become hypervigilant.
Hypervigilance is a state of enhanced alertness and awareness of one’s surroundings. Individuals who experience hypervigilance are constantly looking for signs that something bad is about to happen so they can take appropriate action to protect themselves. They scan their physical environment as well as the facial expressions, tones, and body language of the people around them for cues that they are unsafe.
Hypervigilance is an adaptive coping strategy for children who grow up in homes where bad or scary things happen. Children lack the power to create true safety for themselves, so the best they can do is try to anticipate when unsafe things will happen so they can mount a defense. This defense might look like finding somewhere to hide or trying to please or placate a parent who is escalating.
These children eventually grow into adults who have more control over their lives, including the ability to distance themselves from people or situations that are unsafe. Just because a person’s circumstances have changed, however, does not automatically mean that their nervous system does. Our bodies can be slow to let go of coping strategies that have helped us survive. So, a person might continue to be hypervigilant though this defense is no longer needed.
How to Start Settling Into Safety
If you would like to help your body catch up to your present reality, here are some simple steps to get you started.
Practice gratitude. The hypervigilant part of you developed for a reason and it is one of the reasons you have made it to where you are today. Even if you don’t like how this part is functioning in the present, try acknowledging and thanking it for all it has done to keep you safe up to this point.
Give permission. Let the hypervigilant part of you know that it still has permission to pipe up if it senses that something is off. While continuous hypervigilance is likely no longer necessary if you live in safe enough circumstances, hypervigilance is still a useful response in situations where potential threat is present. If you’re walking alone late at night or get the feeling that someone is lying to you, you want your nervous system to activate and prompt you to take action to stay physically and emotionally safe.
Lean into micro-moments of relaxation. It’s unreasonable to expect yourself to go from activated and on edge all the time to totally chill. Instead, find brief moments to let your guard down. Use grounding practices, your breath, or a pleasant sensory experience to facilitate letting go. Afterward, take time to really absorb the fact that you relaxed and nothing bad happened.
Consider therapy. EMDR therapy involves a structured process that helps your body understand that the trauma is over so you are able to live more fully in the present.
Even if you have a trauma history, you are capable of relaxing and enjoying life in the present. Sometimes our bodies just need some extra time and support to get the message that the danger has passed.
Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.
