IS PEOPLE PLEASING A TRAUMA RESPONSE?
The idea that people pleasing is a trauma response has caught on recently. But is this actually the case? Though there is some truth to this assertion, it is missing nuance that is important for knowing yourself and what you need.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is a consistent pattern of putting the needs of others before your own, generally as a means to avoid conflict or to gain approval, to the point that it negatively affects your wellbeing.
A key word here is pattern. Most people at least occasionally put the needs or preferences of others before their own. When done thoughtfully, this behavior is positive as it helps ensure that relationships feel balanced and like a mutual give-and-take. This tendency only becomes an issue when it is habitual to the point that it leads to burnout, resentment, or lack of self-care.
People pleasing also differs from character traits like kindness and generosity. While externally the behaviors might look similar, the internal motivation driving them differs. In the case of kindness or generosity, a person who is putting others before themselves is doing so because they genuinely want to or are acting in alignment with their values. People pleasing, on the other hand, is generally driven by fear of conflict, being disliked, or other potential negative consequences.
What Is Fawning?
Fawning can be thought of as a particularly extreme form of people pleasing. It is one way that our stress response can manifest, along with fight, flight, freeze, and flop. When fawning, an individual tries to neutralize danger and restore their sense of safety through efforts to appease the person they have registered as a threat.
Fawning can look like being overly accommodating or agreeable, exercising great caution not to upset a feared person, excessively apologizing, taking responsibility for other people’s faults, and putting a lot of time into trying to predict and proactively meet the needs/desires of others.
Fawning as a trauma response tends to manifest in situations of interpersonal abuse. A child with an abusive parent or a person whose romantic partner is abusive will often learn to employ fawning behaviors as a means to prevent abuse from happening or lessen its severity.
Is All People Pleasing Fawning?
In short, not really. What you should you look out for to differentiate the two? Think about:
Presence/absence of trauma. A person can exhibit people pleasing tendencies without having experienced trauma, whereas fawning is a coping mechanism that develops as a result of significant traumatic experiences.
Chosen or automatic. Fawning, like all trauma responses, is a reflexive response that our bodies can deploy when they appraise a situation as unsafe. We do not choose to fawn; it just happens, and people who are fawning often don’t realize they are doing it. People pleasing, on the other hand, tends to be more conscious and people engaging in it generally have greater awareness that this is what they’re doing.
Underlying motive. Both people pleasing and fawning are fear-driven behaviors. With people pleasing, the fear is of confrontation, rejection, or disapproval. With fawning, however, the fear is at a deeper, existential level where survival itself feels at stake.
Degree of negative impact. Both people pleasing and fawning can negatively affect a person’s life and wellbeing, including by increasing the risk of depression and anxiety, low self-worth, loss of a sense of self, shame, burnout, unhealthy relationships, and career stagnancy. These impacts, however, will usually be more pronounced with fawning.
The Verdict & Why It Matters
So, is people pleasing a trauma response? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If a person is engaging in the extreme, trauma-related form of people pleasing known as fawning, then yes. People pleasing that did not develop in response to trauma, however, would not be considered a trauma response but rather a set of maladaptive coping behaviors. “People pleasing” and “fawning” are not words to be used interchangeably.
This distinction is significant because it has treatment implications. If a person is fawning, they are unlikely to see positive change without addressing the underlying trauma that taught their body that fawning is necessary to stay safe in the first place. This person will benefit greatly from a trauma-specific therapy, like EMDR. If a person engages in people pleasing that was not born of trauma, working with a therapist on assertiveness, boundary setting skills, and self-care is often sufficient.
Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.
