BEFRIENDING YOUR INNER CRITIC
We all have an inner critic - that voice in our heads that tells us we are not enough. How loud, harsh, or frequently activated that voice is varies from person to person, but none of us is immune. Though most of us like the idea of being kinder to ourselves, achieving this in practice tends to be challenging. The key is to better understand our inner critics so we can learn to make peace with them.
Why Do We Have Inner Critics?
I conceptualize the inner critic through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. IFS posits that each of us is composed of a system of parts that is governed by a core Self. The IFS model assumes that no parts are bad but rather that each part developed for a reason and was adaptive at some point, even if it is no longer serving us well.
The inner critic is a part. Though it might not feel like it, our inner critics have good intentions. Generally, they develop to try to protect us from harm, disappointment, or disconnection and are just misguided in how they go about attempting to do so.
Let’s sketch out some examples of the process by which an inner critic might develop. Let’s say you have a parent who only pays attention to you when you accomplish things. As a young person, you might develop an inner critic that activates when you fall short or make a mistake in your academics or extracurricular activities. The critic is likely trying to motivate you to be more conscientious, focused, and hardworking in your pursuits so that you are able to maintain positive connection and receive love you need from your caregiver.
Or, perhaps you experienced bullying as a kid and were subject to mean comments about your appearance, intelligence, or capability. You might develop an inner critic that says things to you that sound a lot like what your bullies said. Often the reason here is that it can feel less painful and more within one’s control if the harsh commentary comes from you first.
How to Relate to Your Critic More Effectively
Whatever the reason your inner critic initially came to be, it is likely not serving you well in the present. Frequent self-criticism is associated with higher stress, depression, anxiety, diminished confidence, feeling undeserving, and physical health challenges like difficulty sleeping and a weakened immune system.
The means to reining in your inner critic, however, is not to try to ignore it, shut it down, or get rid of it. Instead, next time you notice that your inner critic has been set off, try these steps:
Acknowledge and separate. Try to observe your inner critic rather than becoming one with it. This can be a simple linguistic shift along the lines of “a part of me is having self-critical thoughts right now.”
Be curious. Check-in with that part. Where do you notice it in your body? What thoughts/feelings associate with it? What does it view its job to be? What does it fear will happen if it does not do this job?
Validate good intentions and real fears. Let that part know that you see it developed for a reason and you appreciate all it has done to try to protect you over the years. Express understanding of the fears this part has about what will happen if it is no longer so critical, such as that you will lose motivation or become complacent in a way that risks the things you care about.
Offer an alternate, more grounded perspective. Show that part that there are other, more positive things that motivate/protect you that aren’t self-criticism. For instance, if your critic fears you will lose your job if it chills out, let it know that you are naturally motivated to continue to work hard because you believe in what you’re doing, enjoy the satisfaction of a productive day, or value your relationships with your coworkers.
This process won’t be a one and done. You will have to engage repeatedly with your inner critic in this way for it to start to trust you enough that it believes it can quiet down or start expressing its concerns in a gentler way. Over time, you may find that you start to feel more compassionate and even tender toward this part of you that is likely quite young and has carried so much pain and fear.
This work is not easy. If you find yourself getting stuck on any of the steps above, know that a skilled therapist can help you learn to work constructively with your critical part as well as any others that might be causing you distress.
Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.
